Addressing spousal rape in marriages
Sylvester Kay-Adade
Sometime ago, my wife brought an Instagram post to my attention. The post was a screenshot of an email from a distraught woman to a popular Nigerian relationship platform. The woman, a wife, living in New York, narrated the gruesome story of how her philandering husband was always insulting and raping her. Despite his indiscreet cheating, she lived with him, made his meals, even did his laundry and everything, except sleep with him. Most recently, he raped and beat her, in the presence of their three-year-old daughter, after she refused to have sex with him. She mentioned their daughter was crying, telling her dad to stop, but he didn’t listen. How could he expose his daughter to such violence? I doubt it, but I hope the little girl is too young to remember that traumatic experience.
It was just so heartbreaking. We lightly discussed how unfortunate her situation was, read through some of the sound advice she was given, and moved on. Later that night, she showed me the screenshot of an email from another subscriber in response to the battered woman’s email. It was unbelievable.
This email proceeded to berate the woman for being a bad wife who deserved what she got. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read. The basic gist was a husband owns his wife and cannot rape her, and because he paid her bride price, he can do with her as he pleases. Honestly, I wasn’t going to comment on the issue as I took it as the perspective of an unexposed person. That was until he mentioned that his entire high school alumni WhatsApp group agreed with him. I suspect they attended an all-boys school. Apparently, the only person who had disagreed with him was his wife! Yes, he’s a married man. So, if his claim that scores of other grown men agree with his logic is true, we clearly have a huge problem.
As Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” So, I sent an email to the platform to set the record straight. I’m not sure if it was posted, but even if it was, I figured I might as well go on a larger platform to address the issue of spousal rape.
First, for every woman going through or has gone through something similar to the aforementioned woman, I sympathise with her. I cannot begin to imagine how devastating it must be to be raped and beaten, not by a stranger or boyfriend, but by your husband, more so, in front of your child. Though unsolicited and easy to say, my advice if you’re still experiencing such, please tell someone you can confide in, and report the abuse to the police (for what it’s worth). Most importantly, as promptly as possible, get out of there – stay with a close friend, your parents, or in church. If possible, reach out to the NGOs like the popular Crime Victims Foundation (CRIVIFON). Bottom line is that the pattern of abuse will only continue and worsen. God forbid the situation escalates into something deadly or life-threatening; we’ve all heard stories.
Now, to the issue at hand. It is absolutely possible to rape one’s wife. If one’s wife refuses to have sex with one and one forces oneself on her, it is rape. Plain and simple. Once there’s sex without consent, it is rape. Whether she is one’s wife or not is irrelevant. That a woman is one’s wife or that one paid her bride price doesn’t make her one’s personal sex slave, neither does it rid her of her individuality.
It is absolutely ridiculous to me this is still a thing in 2021.
Going back to that incident, grown men are defending the actions of such a shameless and uncultured husband. The girlfriend was unavailable, so he turned to the wife, whom he had been ridiculing and disrespecting, for sex. So, his wife is his backup? Who does that? How shameless.
Granted, the good book says couples shouldn’t deny each other their bodies in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:4) – a husband’s body ‘belongs’ to his wife’s and her body ‘belongs’ to him, but your wife can say no if she doesn’t want to. It can be quite upsetting, but rather than dwell on that, the onus is on you, as her husband, to understand the reason why and see what can be done about it. Self-control is very important here. Wanting to have your way every single time is how children behave. It could be because she’s tired, not in a good mood, or a million other things. You should try to understand that. Instead of getting upset, maybe give her massage, or get her to talk about what’s wrong. She might feel better and pounce on you later, she might sleep off, or she might not want to talk about it at the time. Whatever it may be, the important thing is to respect her and respect her wishes.
My point is, please do not force yourself on your wife; it is rape. You made a vow before God and man to cherish, honour and love her, and you should have the integrity to keep it until her/your dying breath. Husbands, please, be responsible and respectful to your wives.
Sylvester Kay-Adade writes from Lagos