By Michael West
Have you wondered why some people refuse to let go of their former partners after breakup? Even as married, why do some jilted partners still feel nostalgic about their ex-lovers? Are you aware that several relationships and homes have broken up as a result of distractions from exes? Silently, this scourge is plaguing many relationships and it is hunting marriages to instability.
Because it is a strong affair, many spouses keep secret dates with their exes. They hardly do a day or two without “checking on” each other online in bids to stay in touch. They appear more tolerant and affectionate after breakup than when they were dating or in marriage. It is not funny to see the so-called “incompatible partners” and “quarrelsome spouses” getting fond of their exes despite being in separate relationships.
A pretty woman was sent parking because she refused to severe the cord of intimacy with her ex-lover. She got married in her early 40s as a single mom, but she was fond of spending long hours on the phone with her former boyfriend who, after years of dating, abandoned her and went to marry another woman. However, despite pleadings by her parents, family and friends the principled man bluntly refused to yield ground. Fuming over his wife’s indecent behaviour, the man felt insulted and taken for a ride by his wife for indulging in an act of emotional infidelity. According to him, “some women are so shameless and disgraceful. They easily forget their years of groaning in loneliness. I told my wife that if your ex-lover whom you dated for five years loves that much why did he abandon you and get married to another woman? Still, you’re always on the phone with him fixing date under my roof. I willingly released her to become his side-chick full time. My principle is that once we stop dating or you’re out of my life as a wife through separation or divorce, except for something that concerns our children or maybe, God forbid, in a life threatening situation, I have no business staying in regular contact with you.”
Major factors accountable for why ex-lovers or former spouses keep trailing and tacitly desiring their exes are noted as follows:
i) When they are unhappy in the new relationship because it is not working as expected.
ii). When they’re not emotionally connected to or satisfied with their new partners.
iii). When they’re not romantically fulfilled or they discover some nauseating character flaws in their new partners.
iv). When they feel a void of intimacy, friendship, attention, care and companionship. These are potent elements that could make ex-partners desirable.
v). When in need of crucial help and support that the new partner decline or not able to offer. And perhaps the ex is kind, supportive and empathic.
vi). When family and friends still relate warmly and identify with the former spouse. Such an extant relationship is highly valued in African culture and it could influence the exes becoming fond of each other again.
vii). When religious, ethnic and cultural affinity count more in favour of the former partner.
viii). Loneliness could make someone eats the humble pie by reconnecting with the ex, especially if such an ex is still unattached.
Personally, I do not see anything wrong in being friends with one’s ex-lover or former spouse provided it does not involve any form of commitment or string attached. And in cases where children are involved, only purpose-driven communication should be permitted. Incessant calls and needless tête-à-tête should be disallowed outright. However, if both ex-lovers are still unmarried and they suddenly get fond of each other, it is understandable. It is possible that pulling apart was necessary to make them appraise the relationship, discover the areas to work on and thereby appreciate each other the more.
That some people do not value what they have until it is lost is a fact of life in relationship. It is also a statement of reality in other human endeavours. After divorce, some exes discovered that their folly and act of intolerance had cost them their homes. This is usually the case when they encounter worse scenarios now than in their former marriages.
—- Trending Issue —-
Divorce as Death Sentence?
It is bizarre to see the dimension of spousal murder in our world. Gone are the days when spouses were accused of killing themselves through witchcraft, juju and food poisoning. As evil as these acts are, but brazen lethal assaults like clubbing, strangulation, butchering and gunshots were rare occurrences in the past. To kill a fellow human being for any reason at all is a capital offence that deserves a capital punishment. How people find it convenient to kill these days is bewildering.
Being in a bad marriage, according to Pastor E. A. Adeboye of the Redeemed Christian Church, is tantamount to “living in hell fire” while still on earth. Rev. Olusola Areogun of Dreams Centre, Osogbo, Osun State, said whoever finds himself/herself in a “wrong marriage has lost 80 percent of their destiny.” An online minister and worship singer, Olubukola Adediran aka “Sister Bukky,” in one of her viral videos on marriage, warned against marrying anyone that would disallow or truncate your “assignment, purpose and vision” which are the ultimate essence of one’s life. “What you carry (your purpose) is what defines who you are and not just your physical look,” she said, adding that bad marriage is dangerous, frustrating and regrettable.
The case of 31-year-old Rita Amenze who was allegedly killed by her Italian husband, Pierangelo Pellizzar, 61, last week Friday at Noventa Vicentina, Italy, should not be allowed to go unraveled.
The crux of the matter, according to media reports, is that she was fed up with her troubled marriage and she decided to file for divorce. For daring to make the move, her estranged husband who laid ambush for the deceased at the parking lot of Mf Mushroom, a company she worked for, emerged from his hiding and shot her four times at a close range, killing her instantly after a night duty at 7:30am. He hopped on a grey colour Cherokee Jeep and escaped from the scene.
The question is, when has filing for divorce become a death sentence? Since the marriage is not working, must we die in it just to satisfy the wish of the family or the society? I think the man must have been threatening Rita before now but she ignored it. For those who are still struggling with their marriages or those making the move to file for divorce, let people know what you go through to avoid a sad occurrence like late Rita’s. God hates divorce, yes, but that same God will prefer you to stay alive and fulfil your purpose, mission and vision. Remember, Jesus said God is not the God of the dead but of the living. (Mark 12: 27). Prophet Isaiah said only the living will praise the Lord. (Isaiah 38: 19). Rather than die in a turbulent marriage after all efforts to make peace have failed, run for dear life and be alive to fulfill your purpose.
From the Mailbox
Re: Men Must be Fathers Indeed
I love your submissions on this subject matter. I want to add that people should discuss and understand the kind of relationship they want to get into before going into it. It would save them some troubles.
Men who desire to marry single mums should extend the love to her children; and like you rightly stated, he will reap the blessings in future.
I have a friend who suffered severe abuse in her first marriage until it finally broke up. She was left with two girls, a teenager and an adolescent. She met this single guy who loved her so much. He married her and then have just one child with her and he took care of these three children as if he’s their biological father. I’m sure the last born which is his own biological child doesn’t even know the elder sisters are her steps. She’s growing with them as her own sisters and they all seem to have these semblance from their mother so it’s difficult to differentiate them. I love that guy for this and we all celebrate him. So, men who want to marry single mums should try and be responsible for these children. – Becky Olorunpomi, Lagos
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