By Michael West
Dating is a prelude to marriage for adults. It is otherwise known as courtship but because some engaged adults don’t really want to settle down, they remain in dating for as long as it serves their purposes and interests.
Not many people realise that dating without a purpose is time wasting and an euphemism for romantic adventure. A focused relationship is what makes adults responsible and accountable for their lifetime and resources. Going by the prevailing situation around us, there’re quite a number of people, women in particular, that are going through some hard and unpleasant situations in their relationships. But the truth is that many of them don’t know why they are in relationship or why they marry the men in their lives. In response to many of the questions and to properly define the path to a peaceful and lasting relationship, I decided to publish an abridged version of a piece written by Amara Blessing Nwosu, a resourceful writer and relationship coach, in addressing the situation. Read on:
I have never failed to ask this question whenever I am speaking to singles on relationship matters. I have come to the realisation that many people, especially women, go into relationships either for the wrong reasons or no reason at all. A good number of ladies go into relationships just because their friends are into it and so they should play along. Others go into it because their body calls for it and this is natural. But it is only a few out there who go into relationships with the opposite sex for the right reasons.
A good number of us are shy to open up and say what we have in our minds because we don’t want to be seen as one of those desperate girls. I don’t think you should bother so much about people talking or that guy seeing you as one desperado just because you open up on your expectations. I know you are too afraid to lose him again. But girl, if you don’t talk about these things now, they will come back to hunt your future. I know there are times compromise becomes necessary, but there are also issues that need no compromise. Losing your direction can cause you to stay in a relationship even if it no longer fulfils your needs and desires.
Women keep lamenting of men treating them as rags in their relationships. The problem is not from the man; you are your own problem. I have been there and I know what I am talking about. Nigerian women, especially women from the eastern part, are brought up to believe that all a woman needs in life is marriage to a wealthy man. This is why you see young girls getting married while in junior secondary school and the parents are there rejoicing over her. What do you expect from that kind of relationship? She gets married to a man just because he has some cash to throw around. The life of this girl comes to a halt as she becomes the baby making factory she was created to be and possibly end up inside the market.
Age has a way of teaching people some good lessons in life. There are also some ladies who are still being tossed about by every wind of compliment from men. These ones are adults, they have gone through series of heartbreaks from men, but have refused to learn their lessons. They go on making worse mistakes just because they are too desperate not to look before they leap.
I am not trying to preach intolerance or gender equality in relationships. I am one person who believes there is a place in every relationship, kept for the man alone. I don’t like the idea of women trying to become men, but I also believe a woman should be respected and adored for her best to come out.
You are an expert in getting men to love you and now you have this guy you are attracted to and you are not ready to let go. You keep disturbing his lines even while he is busy at work. Let me tell you what happens when you eventually end up in marriage with him; you will spend the rest of your life struggling to keep the relationship. Become the woman you are created to be and you will see him running tirelessly after you.
When I talk about setting standards and goals in relationships, I am not talking about taking yourself to an invisible mountain where no normal guy can reach you. You have lost great men just because you don’t want to face reality. I know you want to ride in those posh cars like your friends who are married to big time drug barons and fraudsters, I know you want to move from one country to the other on holidays; they are all good expectations, but girl, what about developing yourself? I also want you to take time out and get to know how happy those your friends are with all the material acquisitions.
You must set your standards and refuse to go below your expectations in life just to please a man. I have never gone clubbing and so I will never have anything to do with a man who moves from one club house to the other. I don’t like alcohol, especially beer, and so I can never stoop so low to have a relationship with a man whose fridges are filled with bottles of beer. I like privacy and so I don’t have to get attached to a man who loves partying and who has no secret. I can tolerate a lot of things from people, but there are no-go-areas when it comes to my life. I know people will tell you that setting standards is one of the reasons ladies remain single for a very long time. A man who loves you and appreciates class and knowledge will ever appreciate you.
The problem with us is that we always ignore the red-flags in our relationships and blindly go into marriage without getting them sorted out believing he is going to change. Please get ready to cope with his lifestyle because he is not going to change. By the time you get into that relationship and start moving from one prayer house to the other for solution, please remember you read this article someday.
There is more to life than the money in the bank. There is more to relationships than getting married to a total stranger whose lifestyle contradicts yours. You can only enjoy marriage when you get into it with your best friend. If he is not rich now, never look down on him because you may be the carrier of his blessings and he will someday make it because he is focused.
From the Mailbox
Re: Angel or Bitch, Who is She?
It was a plausible piece of writing. The points made are succinct and adequate in the description of an ideal woman! They are made to complement men in their life journey. Life would be boring without good women. To get a good woman today is becoming difficult because of westernization of our rich cultural heritage. Whenever you see a man prospering very fast just know he has the right woman his life.
The International Women’s Day concept should remind us of their importance in the human environment, especially their complementary role in making things work well. I agree with the saying that behind every successful man there is a good woman; and conversely, behind a failed man there is also a woman. – 08187107434
• West wrote via mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk
08035304268
08059964446